raw

Barely slept.. only dozed off before daylight broke and it was time to wake up for the day already. I've been living the life of a living dead, where day and night are of no difference, no significance. Work knows no hours. I concentrate when I'm able, taking slight naps in between. Ploughing through websites and journals till my eyes water, physically & mentally exhausted.

But last night, I had a chance to relax with my loved one. Still, the messed up biological clock could no longer differentiate what is resting time, what is working time. From tossing & turning to pondering imponderables on the balcony, neither had any effect on my painfully awake physical & mental self. Tumultuous thoughts kept me perturbed, adding to the turmoil.

Uncertainty hangs and echoes. Throughout the long, dark & silent night, thoughts are my only companion. Comforting thoughts they are not, thoughts that made my inner soul cringe, raw and painful... to the extent I wish I could just drop dead and not get besieged by them anymore. Choked with pain, however no release available. Like a swollen river, however impeded by boulders that had tumbled in from nowhere.

The silence of the night would be left untouched, if not broken by heavy sighs from time to time. That body so close to me, yet so distant... drifted too far away in dreamland. I could only look longingly and stroke the facial features ever so gently.. a soft murmur escaped from the heart unheard, unnoticed and unknown.. goodbye, my lover